Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Years
Watched
Like
Show
Shows
Three
Remember
Feel
Sometimes
Feels
Canceled
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
Demetri Martin
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Demetri Martin
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
Demetri Martin