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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Keep
Someone
Secretive
Hey
None
Asks
Secret
Business
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
Demetri Martin
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
Demetri Martin
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
Demetri Martin
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin
Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
Demetri Martin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Demetri Martin
