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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
First
Uncles
Hard
Forgive
Never
Kiss
Forgiving
Kissing
Forget
Makes
Firsts
Uncle

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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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