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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
First
Uncles
Hard
Forgive
Never
Kiss
Forgiving
Kissing
Forget
Makes
Firsts
Uncle
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
Demetri Martin
