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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Makes
Firsts
Uncle
First
Uncles
Hard
Forgive
Never
Kiss
Forgiving
Kissing
Forget
More quotes by Demetri Martin
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
Demetri Martin
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
Demetri Martin