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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Nephew
Turtles
Drop
Baby
Greater
Nephews
Turtle

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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin