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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Baby
Greater
Nephews
Turtle
Nephew
Turtles
Drop

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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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