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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Turtles
Drop
Baby
Greater
Nephews
Turtle
Nephew

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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Demetri Martin
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
Demetri Martin