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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Eating
Look
Looks
Things
Cooler
Motion
Slow
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
Demetri Martin
Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
Demetri Martin
Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin