Quote

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Slow
Eating
Look
Looks
Things
Cooler
Motion

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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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