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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Almost
Much
Love
Bowling

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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
Demetri Martin
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin
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To me, comedy is a game.
Demetri Martin
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin