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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bowling
Almost
Much
Love

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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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