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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Especially
Life
Ledge
Ledges
Keys
Balance
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
Demetri Martin
When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
Demetri Martin
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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