Quote

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Natural
Made
Wrapper
Flavors
Flavor
Candy
Artificial
Looked
Eating

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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
Demetri Martin