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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Milk
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice

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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin