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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Nipples
Rice
Milk
Didn
Even

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Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I don't know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it's okie dokie. 'I'm okie dokie. I'm a little shaken up, but I'm okie dokie.' 'The good news is, she's okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin