Quote

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice
Milk

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
Demetri Martin
Image
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Demetri Martin
Image
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
Demetri Martin
Image
When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
Image
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri Martin
Image
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
Image
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
Demetri Martin
Image
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
Image
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Demetri Martin
Image
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
Demetri Martin
Image
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
Image
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Demetri Martin
Image
Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
Demetri Martin
Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
Image
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
Image
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin