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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Milk
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice

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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
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