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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Nipples
Rice
Milk
Didn
Even

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
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A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
Demetri Martin
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
Demetri Martin