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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Milk
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice

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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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