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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice
Milk

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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin