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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Nipples
Rice
Milk
Didn
Even

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin