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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Didn
Even
Nipples
Rice
Milk

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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
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I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, Cool, that one works.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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