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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Rice
Milk
Didn
Even
Nipples

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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Demetri Martin