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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Differences
Karate
Class
Belt
Lasts
Belts
Last
Receiving
Black
Temper
Lost
Difference
Tell
Taking
Men
Week
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
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