Quote

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Black
Temper
Lost
Difference
Tell
Taking
Men
Week
Differences
Karate
Class
Belt
Lasts
Belts
Last
Receiving

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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin