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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Lasts
Belts
Last
Receiving
Black
Temper
Lost
Difference
Tell
Taking
Men
Week
Differences
Karate
Class
Belt

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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
Demetri Martin
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin