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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Turns
Everything
Enough
Beer
Alcohol
Bed
Drink

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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.
Demetri Martin
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin