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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Enough
Beer
Alcohol
Bed
Drink
Turns
Everything
More quotes by Demetri Martin
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Demetri Martin
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
Demetri Martin
I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I'm not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years - if I just wait - the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it's so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
Demetri Martin
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
Demetri Martin
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Demetri Martin
