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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Choke
Dry
Someone
Like
Hump
Choking

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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
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I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
Demetri Martin
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
Demetri Martin
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
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The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
Demetri Martin