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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hump
Choking
Choke
Dry
Someone
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More quotes by Demetri Martin

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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
Demetri Martin
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
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I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
Demetri Martin
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
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One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'
Demetri Martin
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Demetri Martin