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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Like
Hump
Choking
Choke
Dry
Someone
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Demetri Martin
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
Demetri Martin
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
Demetri Martin
Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
Another thing that I like and that's fun for me is to try and talk and play music at the same time, because I feel like I'm learning something. There are these little challenges built into it it's a way to push myself a little bit more as a performer.
Demetri Martin
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
