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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Choking
Choke
Dry
Someone
Like
Hump
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Demetri Martin
I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
Demetri Martin
