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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hump
Choking
Choke
Dry
Someone
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More quotes by Demetri Martin
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
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I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Demetri Martin