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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Bars
Sports
Take
Even
Way
People
Annoying
Usual
Fill
More quotes by Demetri Martin
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
Demetri Martin
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
Demetri Martin
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
Demetri Martin
Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
Demetri Martin