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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Sports
Take
Even
Way
People
Annoying
Usual
Fill
Bars
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin