Quote

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Looks
Shape
Right
Ridiculous
Must
Ground
Like
Shapes
Amazing
Tits
Hell
Cows
Happened
Fats
High
Sees

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
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You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
Demetri Martin
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
Demetri Martin
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There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
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The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
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The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
Demetri Martin