Quote

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Right
Ridiculous
Must
Ground
Like
Shapes
Amazing
Tits
Hell
Cows
Happened
Fats
High
Sees
Looks
Shape

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Demetri Martin
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin