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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
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Machines
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Numbers
Somebody
Atm
Stand
Pins
Running
Types
Away
Near
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin