Quote

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Demetri Martin

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Number
Type
Numbers
Somebody
Atm
Stand
Pins
Running
Types
Away
Near
Like
Machines

More quotes by Demetri Martin

Image
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin
Image
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
Image
How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
Demetri Martin
Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin
Image
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
Demetri Martin
Image
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Demetri Martin
Image
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
Demetri Martin
Image
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
Demetri Martin
Image
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
Image
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
Image
I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
Demetri Martin
Image
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
Image
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin
Image
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
Image
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
Demetri Martin
Image
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin
Image
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
Image
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Demetri Martin
Image
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin