Quote

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Number
Type
Numbers
Somebody
Atm
Stand
Pins
Types
Running
Near
Away
Machines
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.
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If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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