Quote

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Away
Near
Like
Machines
Number
Type
Numbers
Somebody
Atm
Stand
Pins
Running
Types

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
Demetri Martin
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
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I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down. Then, at night, I say the thought to people through a microphone. I don't think about politics or pop culture very much, so those thoughts don't often make it to the microphone.
Demetri Martin