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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Average
Ends
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
Stretched
Scream
More quotes by Demetri Martin
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
Demetri Martin
I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.
Demetri Martin
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
Demetri Martin
I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Demetri Martin
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
Demetri Martin
