Quote

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
Stretched
Scream
Average
Ends

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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Demetri Martin
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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