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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stretched
Scream
Average
Ends
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
More quotes by Demetri Martin
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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I used to get bummed out when it rained then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Demetri Martin
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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