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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Stretched
Scream
Average
Ends
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines

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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
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The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, Ray's Up And Coming Pizza would be fine.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
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There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
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