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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Average
Ends
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
Stretched
Scream
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
Demetri Martin
The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
Demetri Martin
This is a pie chart about procrastination.
Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin
Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Demetri Martin
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
Demetri Martin
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
Demetri Martin
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
Demetri Martin
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
Demetri Martin
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
Demetri Martin
I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.
Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
Demetri Martin
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Demetri Martin
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
Demetri Martin