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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Average
Ends
Persons
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
Stretched
Scream
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.
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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
Demetri Martin
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.
Demetri Martin
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
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My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.
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Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
Demetri Martin
When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Demetri Martin
