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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Person
Make
Would
Intestines
Stretched
Scream
Average
Ends
Persons
More quotes by Demetri Martin
You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Demetri Martin
Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
Demetri Martin
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
Demetri Martin
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
