Quote

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Actually
Another
Checkers
Men
Queen
Life
Queens
King
Kings
Taught
Called

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Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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My policy is 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.'
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It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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