Quote

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Actually
Another
Checkers
Men
Queen
Life
Queens
King
Kings
Taught
Called

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A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
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I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.
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Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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