Quote

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Actually
Another
Checkers
Men
Queen
Life
Queens
King
Kings
Taught
Called

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
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When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
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Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
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Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Demetri Martin
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I just found out that I have more allies than America!
Demetri Martin