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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Makes
Thought
Men
Time
Hurry
Saws
Sense
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Demetri Martin
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Demetri Martin
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Demetri Martin
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
Demetri Martin
I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
Demetri Martin
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Demetri Martin
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.
Demetri Martin
I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
Demetri Martin
Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Demetri Martin
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
Demetri Martin
Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri Martin
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Demetri Martin
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin