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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Hurry
Saws
Sense
Makes
Thought
Men
Time
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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This is a pie chart about procrastination.
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I've never read an article of clothing.
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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
Demetri Martin
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
Demetri Martin
Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Demetri Martin
I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.
Demetri Martin
I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
Demetri Martin
I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.
Demetri Martin
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.
Demetri Martin
If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
Demetri Martin
Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.
Demetri Martin
