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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Things
Peeing
Location
Pool
Summer
Learned
Different
More quotes by Demetri Martin
Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
Demetri Martin
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Demetri Martin
And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin
I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.
Demetri Martin
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Demetri Martin
I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
Demetri Martin
You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Demetri Martin
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Demetri Martin
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
Demetri Martin
What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!
Demetri Martin
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin