Quote

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Summer
Learned
Different
Things
Peeing
Location
Pool

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The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.
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It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
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Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, Done, next!
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I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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