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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Learned
Different
Things
Peeing
Location
Pool
Summer
More quotes by Demetri Martin
When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just say training bra? They're training their chests? I had no idea.' See some lady, her boobs are everywhere. 'What's her deal?' Those are untrained titties.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Once I started to look i finally began to see.
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.
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I never set out to do a sketch show.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good. Hopefully it balances out.
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I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the crazy guy at law school, which is the guy who is not so much crazy as annoying.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.
Demetri Martin
