Quote

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Different
Things
Peeing
Location
Pool
Summer
Learned

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.
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Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.
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I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.
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Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.
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Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.
Demetri Martin
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
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I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin