Quote

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Pool
Summer
Learned
Different
Things
Peeing
Location

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One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.
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I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.
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I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
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A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear. I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
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I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.
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I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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