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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Pool
Summer
Learned
Different
Things
Peeing
Location

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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.
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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
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What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.
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How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, I'm not racist, but... I say, I'm not racist, but you look great today. They say, That wasn't racist at all. I said, I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican.
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
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I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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