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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Learned
Different
Things
Peeing
Location
Pool
Summer

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange.
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I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
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I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.
Demetri Martin