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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Original
Everything
Long
Time
Cliche
Timing
Originals
More quotes by Demetri Martin
At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
Demetri Martin
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
Demetri Martin
I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
Demetri Martin
I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Demetri Martin
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.
Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
Demetri Martin
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Demetri Martin
I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.
Demetri Martin
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.
Demetri Martin
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
Demetri Martin
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
Demetri Martin
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we're going to cast and if this location doesn't work out, what are we going to do?
Demetri Martin
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
Demetri Martin
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Demetri Martin
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
Demetri Martin
