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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Trying
Plants
Something
Shoot
Like
Gun
Plant
Hold
Talk
Water
Right
Watering
More quotes by Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
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If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
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I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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