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When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Something
Shoot
Like
Gun
Plant
Hold
Talk
Water
Right
Watering
Trying
Plants
More quotes by Demetri Martin
If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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Futon World - a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.
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Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
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I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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How many of you are creative? I don't know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them... you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I'm an audience for myself.
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It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
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I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.
Demetri Martin
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Demetri Martin
There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.
Demetri Martin
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
Demetri Martin
Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.
Demetri Martin
99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
