Quote

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Something
Shoot
Like
Gun
Plant
Hold
Talk
Water
Right
Watering
Trying
Plants

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I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there's nothing you can do about it.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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How to be a bouncer: be an asshole stand near a door.
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Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
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Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.
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The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
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A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.
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