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Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Cups
Coffee
Many
Like
Bras
More quotes by Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
Demetri Martin
When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
Demetri Martin
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Demetri Martin
Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.
Demetri Martin
A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
Demetri Martin
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Demetri Martin
The earth without art is just eh.
Demetri Martin
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
Demetri Martin
Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
Demetri Martin
I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I'm not doing song parodies or funny songs, I'm just adding some music to my words. So it's limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.
Demetri Martin
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
Demetri Martin
I like parties, but I don't like piƱatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
Demetri Martin
I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.
Demetri Martin
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
Demetri Martin
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Demetri Martin
I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'
Demetri Martin