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Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Waterfalls
Camping
Equals
Plus
Anymore
Canoe
Waterfall

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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
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Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
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As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
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Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
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You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
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Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably over-workaholled.
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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
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To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very interesting ringtone of yours.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
Demetri Martin
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My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.
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I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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