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Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Something
Automatic
Never
Solution
Solutions
Paper
Place
Problem
Firsts
Towel
First
Towels

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Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
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I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.
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I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.
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I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
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When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross you may have the wrong guy.
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Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
Demetri Martin
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.
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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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There's an old Russian saying that goes some way or another. I don't know it. I don't speak Russian. But sometimes I think about it and wonder if it's relevant to what I'm going through at the time. Probably not. I mean what do Russian know about hunger, anyway?
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My family was fine, it's just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.
Demetri Martin