Quote

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Solutions
Paper
Place
Problem
Firsts
Towel
First
Towels
Something
Automatic
Never
Solution

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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.
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I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.
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The earth without art is just eh.
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I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.
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Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
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One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.
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The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.
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I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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