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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Every
Something
Like
People
Outraged
Twitter
Internet
Two
Feels

More quotes by Demetri Martin

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When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
Demetri Martin
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When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Demetri Martin
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I love motor learning because it's very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.
Demetri Martin
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I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
Demetri Martin
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
Demetri Martin
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
Demetri Martin
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Demetri Martin
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I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Demetri Martin
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Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Demetri Martin
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I need to develop some patience - immediately.
Demetri Martin
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Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
Demetri Martin
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I'm very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy - probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.
Demetri Martin
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Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.
Demetri Martin
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I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word dictionary, and it said you're an asshole.
Demetri Martin
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When I trip, I feel like that's the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you're uncoordinated. I'm aware of that, thank you... can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I'll see you in about 50 years.
Demetri Martin
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Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.
Demetri Martin
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If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Demetri Martin
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Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.
Demetri Martin
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I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Demetri Martin