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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Feels
Every
Something
Like
People
Outraged
Twitter
Internet
Two

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Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
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To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!
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A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.
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At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.
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I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
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99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.
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A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'
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Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.
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It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.
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I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
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Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Demetri Martin
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I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
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I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
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I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'
Demetri Martin