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It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.
Demetri Martin
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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Something
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Outraged
Twitter
Internet
Two
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Every
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People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.
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If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
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I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
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Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I'm facing the right way so that it doesn't blow back and hit me in my face.
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
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I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do it if you didn't have something that clicked right away.
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I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.
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A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
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I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
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You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.
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A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. What do you do? I'm a match maker Aw, that's really romantic No, umm... I actually... never mind
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Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln
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Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?
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You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?
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I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.
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The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
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It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
Demetri Martin
