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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin
Age: 51
Born: 1973
Born: May 25
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Score Composer
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
New York City
New York
Demetri Evan Martin
Thinking
Write
Makes
Around
Across
Thought
Laugh
Come
Usually
Writing
Walk
Things
Laughing
Think
Walks

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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
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I don't know if I'll ever be a master at anything, but I think that's a mistake for me personally. I don't know how much it's about the journey, but it's more about the process.
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My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
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I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.
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I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.
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Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
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To me, comedy is a game.
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
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Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
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I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.
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I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.
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I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. Keep sleeping. All right, perfect.'
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If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.
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To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.
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Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
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When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
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I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
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If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.
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